6 Ways Introverts Gaslight Themselves

Here’s How You’re Quietly Making Life Harder for Yourself

If introverts were rewarded each time they beat themselves up for being introverts, we'd all be retired on a peaceful island, surrounded by books and a cat who doesn't require much attention.

But rather, we are here. Imagining these stories to ourselves that don't quite hold up under even the smallest shred of scrutiny, do they sound real when we're in bed overthinking how we skipped out early from that party or declined that third Zoom gathering?

1. I Need to Push Myself More Socially

"If I just worked a little bit harder, I would like this. I just need to get out of my comfort zone." Sounds great on paper. Inspiring, even. Except this is the thing.

• You think social discomfort is your fault.

• You assume more effort will “fix” it.

• You ignore that you might simply dislike these situations.

• You interpret discomfort as weakness, not preference.

An uncomfortable mental place between what we do and what we actually desire comes into the picture when you force yourself into constant socializing, you dislike. Instead of recognizing, "Oh, maybe these situations just aren't for me," your mind distorts it as your failure. "I'm weak." "I'm too shy." I simply have to work harder.

This is called Cognitive Dissonance.

So, basically, you end up standing there, cheese cube in one hand, plastic cup in the other, wondering if maybe you’ll just melt into the wallpaper and sneak out early.

2. If Everyone Else is Having This, I Must Be Going Wrong

The famous Asch experiments showed how people tend to copy the crowd, even when the crowd’s blatantly wrong. Ok, so what does that have to do with you?

• You compare your experience to the group.

• You assume you’re “wrong” for not enjoying it.

• You forget that tastes genuinely differ.

• You gaslight yourself into conformity.

Well, you may not be taking the sticks in a line and measuring their length, but you are observing the people around you having a good time at the noisiest bar in town and wondering why you are quietly waiting out the minutes until you can get out.

Here's a consideration. Perhaps you are correct. Perhaps the group just has a different taste.

But no, your gaslighting mind convinces you. "They're having fun. You must be the broken one." Because there isn't a method where individuals can exchange various things, okay? (Said no sane human ever.)

3. I'm Lazy for Requiring So Much Alone Time

The Power of Introverts, thanks to research by Susan Cain, basically tells us that needing solo time is kind of seen as slacking. Like, sure, everyone else is out there “hustling,” and here you are, craving a nap or a quiet corner.

• Society pushes constant activity.

• You’re told that alone time equals laziness.

• You recharge differently, and that’s valid.

• Maintenance is not laziness.

Her writing about the extrovert ideal, how society celebrates constant engagement, collaboration, open office space, "Let's hop on a call!" culture, makes so much of the shame that introverts feel.

It's not that you require time alone. It’s that you’ve been taught to see that need as lazy. Other people relax by going out, hanging out with friends, and staying busy. You? You heal by sitting in silence, reading, thinking, maybe staring at the ceiling as your mind slowly restarts.

That's not laziness. That's maintenance for introverts. The vehicle is not sluggish when you get gas. You're not lazy when you fill yours.

4. I Must Become More Extroverted to Achieve Success

So, basically, here’s how the “ought self” trap plays you: you think who you are isn’t cutting it, and you better build some flashy, outgoing version of yourself if you want to make it. Yes, it’s good to get out of your comfort zone and learn new things, and you should do that, but,

• You assume extroversion equals success.

• You discount your real strengths.

• You chase traits you may not need.

• You waste energy trying to be someone else.

You look around and wonder: If I were more sociable, I'd progress quicker. "If only I were more assertive, more charismatic, more insert-buzzword-here, I'd be a rockstar."

Forget that a few of the world's greatest thinkers, artists, and leaders weren't always the loudest in the room.

You can be yourself and make it happen, but only if you are not expending all that energy attempting to be somebody else. That's a full-time job. And a poorly paid one at that.

5. If I Were Stronger, This Wouldn't Bother Me

Elaine Aron's study of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) finds that certain individuals are simply hardwired to be more intensely responsive to sensory input.

• You process more sensory details.

• You burn more emotional energy.

• You’re burning through more mental energy just existing.

Crowded places, loud sounds, flashing lights, and an atmosphere of tension, you can pick up on them quite fast, and it can be exhausting.

Since your nervous system is in high gear, reading every signal.

Just like your phone at full brightness, twenty apps open, GPS location tracking, Bluetooth, WiFi, and then acting shocked that the battery is draining quickly.

You're just wasting more resources.

6. I Should Just Get Used to Feeling This Way

If you do this, then you might have learned helplessness. There was an experiment done by American psychologist Seligman that showed that repeated failure or stress leads people (or, in his experiment, dogs) to abandon attempting to succeed, even when a blueprint is literally in front of them.

So, maybe you’ve started thinking:

• “This is just how life is.”

• “I should tough it out.”

• “Trying to change things never works anyway.”

• “Why bother?”

You do have options. You can set things up so life fits you better.

It’s just that after a while, you forget to even look for the door.

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