8 Stoic Mindsets That Help You Stop Taking Things Personally

Whatever Happens to You Has Been Waiting to Happen Since the Beginning of Time — Marcus Aurelius

I once got a five-paragraph email from a woman explaining to me why she had unsubscribed from my newsletter. The third paragraph had a sentence that started with "I think your work is brave" and ended with "but not in a good way."

Brave but not in a good way. Like what? 🤔

I didn't say anything. I did, though, stare at my wall for a whole minute and ask myself "What hurt you, Karen?"

Anyway, if you’ve been wondering how to stop caring so much about what every random stranger thinks.

Here are a few spots to start.

1. Nothing They Say Can Touch You If You No Longer Need to Exist in Their Story

Just suppose you're part of a group of people. Some dude nods at you and makes some smart remark like "well that's an interesting costume." The group laughs. Now you want to fade into the carpet. Or throat punch the dude. Or both.

Tell you what, you never had to be in the room at all.

We spend so much time trying to make sense of our role in another individual's narrative. Friend. Coworker. Former. Casually tweeted philosopher who read a Seneca quote and now thinks he's the reincarnation of Marcus Aurelius.

• You’re not contractually obligated to show up in their script.

• Most of the time, they’re not even the main character in their own life.

• You don’t have to correct them, or clarify anything, or prove you're cooler than their cousin’s dog.

Let them misinterpret. You’ve got groceries to carry and existential dread to manage.

2. If You Need Validation, You Surrender Your Peace

If you need everyone to clap for you, you’re going to dance until your legs give out.

Because needing applause means you’ll perform past your limit just to feel enough.

Let me put it in terms like these: what would you write, construct, speak, wear if literally no one ever replied?

Still want to do it? Good. That's yours.

If not? Maybe it wasn't yours to begin with.

• If the only reason you hit publish is to be told you’re amazing, you’re going to be real quiet the first time you get crickets.

• True validation should be internal, not crowdsourced.

• What would you do if no one ever noticed?

So maybe don’t hand the steering wheel to people who don’t even know where you’re going.

3. People Aren't Thinking About You, They're Comparing Themselves to You to Feel Better

Suppose you are in a room and people start staring at you. You spend the next two hours wondering if there's spinach in your teeth or your zipper is down.

Relax.

They weren't thinking of you.

They were thinking about whether you were judging them. Or they were thinking about that thing they said in 2009 that was so humiliating. Or they were thinking about whether they left the stove on.

• People are often too focused on their own insecurities to truly focus on you.

• Everyone is performing for an imagined audience, just like you.

They’re watching themselves in your reflection. Most of them are comparing you to themselves, I believe we do this too.

4. You Keep Writing Stories About People Who Don't Even Know They're In Them

Raise your hand if you've had a whole imaginary relationship with someone based on one mildly flirty “hey.”

They made a passive-aggressive comment. You pen an entire novella about their motivations, childhood trauma, and hidden jealousy of your haircut. But maybe they were hungry and angry about being stuck in traffic.

We take a ridiculous amount of time building internal Netflix specials about individuals who would barely be able to notice us in a supermarket.

• Your overthinking builds false narratives (And will often lead to hate)

• Most people forget what they said five minutes later.

Maybe put the script down.

5. Ask What the Pain Is Protecting, Not Who Caused It

You got triggered. Someone spoke, and now you're going off the rails.

A bit of humor here: What's the problem really here?

It's less often about the comment. Or the person. Or the tone.

Most of the time, it’s around what it touched.

• Because the reaction usually comes from an old wound, not the present moment.

• Because we hear things through our past, not just the present.

• Because unresolved emotions echo louder than words.

• Old stuff gets triggered more easily than new stuff. That’s just human wiring.

Maybe someone told you that you're "too much" and it resonated with you, where you still believe that's real.

So ask what the pain is guarding. Not who made it worse.

Go to the root. Once you do this, your mind will just start working on it automatically, and you will stop overthinking automatically.

6. What You Feel Is Yours to Govern, Not Theirs to Fix

Suppose someone made you angry. You wish they would apologize. Fix it. Make it right.

Good. What if they don't, though?

What if they double down and tell you that you're "too sensitive" and suggest yoga? What if they say, "It was just a joke" wild card, and now you're even more angry?

What happens then?

• Other people being jerks doesn’t mean you need to build your identity around it.

• Boundaries apply to feelings too.

Here's a thought: emotions are yours. You don’t need anyone’s permission to move on. Or forgive. Or stop ruminating.

7. Know What You Can Control

Let Go of What You Can't

Everyone loves this one in theory. And you have probably read this a thousand times.

Deal with what you can. Accept what you can't. Serenity prayer.

But we attempt to micromanage how things are perceived. Freak out over how things "land." Get angry because someone interpreted the tone in a text message that had no punctuation. (You should've put a period. Apparently, that makes you angry now.)

• What is yours: your actions, your intent, how you show up.

• What’s not yours: everything that happens after that.

8. You Can't Take It Personally If You Realize There's No "You" to Defend

Because when you see that the “you” they’re talking about is just an idea, not the real you, there’s nothing to protect or feel hurt about.

So when someone criticizes or judges “you,” they’re often reacting to their story of you. But neither story is completely real. They’re just mental creations. And stories can’t be hurt only believed.

You are a different human being than five years ago. Or five months ago. Or, sometimes even five hours ago.

• You are not your worst day.

• You are not your highlight reel either.

• The version of you they’re criticizing might not even exist anymore.

If you realize that the person you think you are is not a fixed or solid thing then there’s nothing to defend. Nothing to protect. Nothing to take personally. What’s left is peace.

This doesn’t mean you don’t care about how others treat you. It means their words don’t own you. You become harder to shake because you’re not standing on a fragile idea of self anymore.

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